shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Randomize
