I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
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I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
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With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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