Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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