There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Randomize
