Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
