I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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