I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
