Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
