come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
