ugly people sure do ruin things
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
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