when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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