I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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