I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
