guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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