I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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