I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
