Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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