There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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