i just sent this text using only my big toe
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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