I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
