how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
