I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
