i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
