Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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