do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
