I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Randomize
