my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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