life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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