You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
