i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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