just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
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