My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
there's paper in my vomit.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Randomize
