Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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