my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
