I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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