Just fell off a train. Bad.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
