I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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