apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Randomize
