There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
