I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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