If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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