sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
