so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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