he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Ladies don't puke and tell
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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