you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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