Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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