God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
