If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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