im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
