What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
