I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I CAN MOONWALK!
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
