my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
