What did we do last night that was yellow?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
