I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
She bit a glass in half.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
