I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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