Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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