I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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