I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
